I Have Always Believed Government Shutdowns Are Terrible And Definitely Did Not Orchestrate The Longest One In American History Just Last Year
"The only thing that can slow our country down is another long and damaging government shutdown." — President Donald Trump, January 30, 2026
Let me be crystal clear: government shutdowns are an absolute disaster for hardworking Americans. They're catastrophic. They're unthinkable. They represent a complete failure of leadership that hurts real people and damages our great nation. This is why I moved so swiftly this week to negotiate with Chuck Schumer and avoid a prolonged shutdown over Department of Homeland Security funding.
Some people—very nasty people, frankly—have pointed out that just last year I refused to budge for 43 consecutive days during what became the longest government shutdown in United States history, publicly antagonizing Democratic leaders while my team mocked them on social media with photoshopped images of Nancy Pelosi and Hakeem Jeffries wearing sombreros. But those people are missing the crucial distinction: that shutdown served an important political purpose for me personally, whereas this one does not.
You see, the 2025 shutdown was about principles. (Specifically, the principle that I wanted $5.7 billion for a border wall and was willing to let 800,000 federal workers go without paychecks during the holidays to get it.) This potential 2026 shutdown, however, would be about—let me check my notes—also immigration enforcement, but at a moment when polls show my approval rating dropping faster than airport efficiency during that time I let air traffic controllers work without pay until the aviation system nearly collapsed.
The difference couldn't be more obvious to anyone operating in good faith.
Last year, when Democrats controlled the Senate, it made perfect sense to hold the entire government hostage. I even said I was "proud" to shut down the government and would take "full responsibility" for it. (I later blamed Democrats, obviously, because taking responsibility is more of a theoretical concept—something you say to show strength, not something you actually do.) But now, with Republicans controlling the White House, Senate, and House, a shutdown would be—and I want to be very precise with my language here—politically inconvenient for me.
Some Republican senators like Tommy Tuberville are asking why we're "giving an inch to Democrats" when we control everything. It's a fair question with a simple answer: because videos of federal immigration agents shooting an ICU nurse named Alex Pretti in Minneapolis are playing on loop on every news channel, drowning out our beautiful messaging about the $4.5 trillion in tax cuts we just passed. (Tax cuts that mostly benefit the wealthy, but that's beside the point.)
When I orchestrated the 2025 shutdown, SNAP benefits ran out for 42 million Americans, and WIC assistance for pregnant women and infants was disrupted. But nobody filmed that happening, so it didn't really affect my polling numbers. The Minneapolis shootings, however, were captured on video and have caused what my advisors describe as "a revulsion" among voters. Totally different situations.
Sen. John Kennedy of Louisiana said it best: "I've never seen a political party take its best issue and turn it into its worst issue in the period of time that it has happened in the last few weeks." He's absolutely right. Immigration was supposed to be our winning issue going into the 2026 midterms. Instead, we have 3,000 federal agents—four times the number of Minneapolis police officers—conducting what the police chief describes as operations with "little attempts at de-escalation," and now Democrats are demanding body cameras, identification requirements, and coordination with local law enforcement. Outrageous restrictions that would... actually, those all sound pretty reasonable, which is exactly why we can't let this shutdown happen.
During the last shutdown, I said federal workers would "make adjustments" to deal with missing paychecks, and that most of them were Democrats anyway. This time, I'm deeply concerned about federal workers going without pay, because—and I'm just being honest here—we can't afford another political disaster with midterms nine months away.
Senator Lindsey Graham is upset we're "trying to avoid losing rather than winning," and he's secured a promise to vote on his sanctuary cities bill later. (Later being the key word—after we've gotten past this immediate polling crisis.) But Lindsey doesn't understand that sometimes winning means temporarily pretending to compromise while you wait for the news cycle to move on to something else, like regime change in Iran, which I'm also working on with Netanyahu.
The bottom line is this: I have always opposed government shutdowns, except when they serve my political interests, in which case I support them completely and will hold out for 43 days while federal workers visit food banks. But when they threaten to further damage my approval ratings during an election year while I'm trying to promote tax cuts for the wealthy and potentially start a war with Iran, I suddenly discover that shutdowns are "long and damaging" and must be avoided at all costs.
This is called principled leadership, and it's why America is lucky to have me.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to figure out how to fund DHS for two weeks while my team drafts social media posts mocking Chuck Schumer. (But, like, gentle mocking. We need him right now.)
This Week's Inspiration
The stories that made this satire possible:
- Trump Could Interfere With the Midterm Elections. Here’s How to Help. — Nytimes
- Israel eyes regime change in Iran - and is counting on Trump to make it happen — Bbc
- Trump moved fast to cut a funding deal. It’s a striking change from the last shutdown fight — Apnews
- Thune to local officials on ICE response: ‘You can’t just try and encourage all these protests’ — Thehill
- Minneapolis Police Chief discusses his force's relationship with federal immigration agents — Npr
- What to know about the partial government shutdown and its impact — Apnews
- Tillis unloads on Noem and Miller, comparing them to 'sycophants' — Thehill
Week of January 24 - January 31, 2026