I'm A Family Values Conservative Which Is Why I Support Keeping This 5-Year-Old In Detention Until We Can Deport Him
"The federal government filed a motion earlier this week to end asylum claims for the Ramos family." — News reports on 5-year-old Liam Conejo Ramos
As a lifelong family values conservative who has built my entire congressional career on protecting children and strengthening families, I want to be absolutely clear: we must keep 5-year-old Liam Conejo Ramos in detention and expedite his deportation, ideally before he finishes kindergarten.
Some bleeding-heart liberals are claiming this contradicts my stated principles. These are the same people who don't understand that when I say "family values," I obviously mean families that look like mine, speak English, and preferably donate to my campaign. (Though to be fair, my own family hasn't spoken to me since Thanksgiving 2022, but that's because they're woke.)
Let me be crystal clear: I love families. I have given approximately 847 speeches about the sanctity of the family unit. I have voted for every single bill with "family" in the title, including the "Family Tax Relief Act" (which primarily benefited corporations), the "Protecting Family Values Act" (which stripped healthcare from 200,000 children), and the "Strong Families Initiative" (which cut funding for foster care). So when I say we need to keep this particular 5-year-old separated from extended family and held in a detention facility while we override a federal judge's order for his release, I'm being entirely consistent.
Now, critics point out that a federal judge in Texas—Texas!—ordered Liam and his father released from detention. But here's the thing about judicial orders: we only respect them when they align with our policy preferences. When courts ruled against us on election challenges, we called them activist judges. When they rule against us on immigration, we simply file motions to expedite deportation anyway. It's called constitutional consistency. (The Constitution is whatever we say it is on any given day.)
Some have asked why we're being so aggressive about deporting a kindergartener. The answer is simple: the rule of law. We must have order. We must have borders. We must have a system where 5-year-olds understand there are consequences for... well, for being born in the wrong country and then having the audacity to flee violence with their families seeking asylum, which is, I should mention, completely legal under international and U.S. law. But legal-schmegal—we're talking about protecting America.
Besides, this administration is simply following through on its promises. Yes, the same week we're fighting to deport this child, the President shared a video depicting the Obamas as apes, and yes, when my colleague Hakeem Jeffries asked us to denounce it, we remained silent, and yes, federal prosecutors investigating a murder were told by Washington to stop their investigation, leaving the Minnesota U.S. attorney's office in turmoil with a dozen prosecutors departing. But these are all separate issues that definitely don't reveal a broader pattern of authoritarian contempt for human dignity and the rule of law.
I've been asked: "Congressman, how do you reconcile your 'pro-life' stance with traumatizing a 5-year-old?" That's easy. Being pro-life means protecting children from conception until birth. After that, they're on their own. (Unless they're my children, who attend a $40,000-per-year private school funded by my congressional salary and various speaking fees from defense contractors.)
Look, I understand this might seem harsh. But we have to think about the precedent. If we let one 5-year-old kindergartener stay in America with his father after a federal judge orders their release, what's next? Will we have to treat asylum seekers humanely? Will we have to follow judicial orders we don't like? Will we have to acknowledge that our "family values" rhetoric is just a cynical political tool we deploy selectively to win elections while enacting policies that actively harm children and families? That's a slippery slope I'm not willing to consider.
The real threat here isn't that we're keeping a kindergartener in detention against a court order. The real threat is that people might start noticing we don't actually care about families at all—we just care about power, control, and maintaining a political apparatus that benefits us personally while we wrap ourselves in the flag and the Bible.
So yes, I support expediting Liam's deportation. I support overriding the judge's order. I support the continued detention of a 5-year-old. And I support all of this while continuing to call myself a family values conservative, because in 2025, words don't mean anything anymore and hypocrisy is just another word for "staying on message."
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a press conference where I'll be demanding we investigate why American families are struggling, right before I vote against childcare funding, school lunch programs, and healthcare expansion.
Family values. It's what we do.
This Week's Inspiration
The stories that made this satire possible:
- Trump administration seeks to expedite removal of 5-year-old Minnesota boy — Thehill
- Prosecutors Began Investigating Renee Good’s Killing. Washington Told Them to Stop. — Nytimes
- The Real Threat Isn’t Trump. It’s the MAGA Apparatus. — Nytimes
- Jeffries calls on GOP leaders to denounce president over Obamas video: 'F--- You Trump' — Thehill
- Trump administration equity stakes pose risks to U.S. companies and markets — Cnbc
- Trump’s Obama Derangement Syndrome — Nytimes
Week of January 31 - February 07, 2026