Sign in Subscribe
By Kevin Curry in News —

I'm Leading The Resistance Against Trump's Immigration Crackdown By Making Sure ICE Gets All The Money It Needs To Conduct The Immigration Crackdown

"Give us access to illegal aliens, public safety threats in the safety and security of a jail." — Tom Homan, Trump's Border Czar, speaking in Minneapolis after fatal ICE shootings

As Senate Majority Leader and New York's proudest progressive champion, I want to assure my constituents that I am working tirelessly to resist Donald Trump's violent immigration enforcement regime. That's why I'm currently negotiating around the clock to ensure the Department of Homeland Security gets a clean, fully funded budget with absolutely no conditions attached.

Some radical leftists have suggested we could use our leverage as the party controlling the Senate to, I don't know, attach some strings to DHS funding. Maybe require accountability measures for ICE after they literally just shot protesters in Minneapolis. Maybe demand oversight after Tom Homan turned Minnesota into a testing ground for authoritarian crackdowns. But that kind of obstructionist thinking is exactly why Democrats keep losing elections (which we also somehow won, giving us control of the Senate, but I digress).

The American people want us to work across the aisle. They want bipartisanship. They want us to fund the agency conducting mass deportations and killing protesters without any of those pesky restrictions that might prevent mass deportations and the killing of protesters.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Chuck, didn't you spend the last four years calling Trump a fascist and ICE a rogue agency?" Yes, I did say those things. Repeatedly. At fundraisers. In emails with subject lines like "TRUMP'S GESTAPO" that performed very well with our donor base. But that was then—a time when we needed to motivate voters and collect small-dollar donations. This is now—a time when we need to govern responsibly by giving Trump everything he wants.

Some cynics might point out that we're currently watching ICE create what business leaders are calling a "climate of fear" in Minneapolis. That corporate CEOs are literally afraid to speak out against the administration. That Homan is openly demanding "cooperation" from local officials like some kind of mob boss. But here's what those cynics don't understand: if we don't fund DHS without conditions, the government might partially shut down, and then voters might blame... well, they'd probably blame us, because they always do, even when Republicans are clearly at fault, which is why we need to preemptively surrender.

It's called strategic leadership.

I've been in the Senate for over two decades, and I've learned that the key to effective resistance is making sure you never actually resist anything. You issue strongly worded statements. You furrow your brow on CNN. You maybe send a letter. But you absolutely do not use the actual constitutional powers you have to check executive overreach. That would be "playing politics," and voters hate that (even though politics is literally our job and the mechanism by which democracy functions, but whatever).

Besides, what are we supposed to do—hold up DHS funding until Trump agrees to basic accountability measures? That's exactly what Republicans did to us for years, and it was very effective, which is why we would never stoop to such tactics. We're better than that. We're also worse at our jobs than that, but mostly we're better.

Look, I understand that people are upset about the fatal shootings in Minneapolis. I'm upset too. I expressed that upset in a tweet that my staff worked very hard on—we went through three drafts before landing on "concerned and monitoring the situation." But we can't let emotions cloud our judgment here. Yes, Trump sent his border czar to Minnesota to escalate violence and intimidate dissenters. Yes, Homan is suggesting he'll only reduce enforcement if local officials bend the knee. Yes, this is textbook authoritarianism. But if we attach conditions to DHS funding, Republicans might call us obstructionists, and that would be terrible for our brand (which is currently "the party that caves immediately," but we're hoping voters don't notice).

Some progressives in my caucus have been asking why we're negotiating a clean funding bill while Trump is literally weighing military strikes on Iran and seizing buildings from federal peace institutes. To which I say: exactly! With so much chaos, this is clearly not the time to add more chaos by doing our jobs and providing oversight. We need to be the adults in the room, which means sitting quietly while the children burn the house down.

The bottom line is this: I am committed to resisting Trump's authoritarian impulses by ensuring that the agencies carrying out his authoritarian agenda have all the resources they need, no questions asked. That's leadership. That's what New Yorkers sent me to Washington to do (actually they sent me to fight for them, but I'm choosing to interpret my mandate differently).

And if this strategy somehow results in more violence, more deportations, and more authoritarian crackdowns, I'll be right there on MSNBC, furrowing my brow and expressing deep concern. Possibly even grave concern, if things get really bad.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to negotiating this funding deal. These deportation flights aren't going to fund themselves.

This Week's Inspiration

The stories that made this satire possible:

Week of January 22 - January 29, 2026

Subscribe to Rolling Boil

Don’t miss out on the latest issues. Sign up now to get access to the library of members-only issues.
jamie@example.com
Subscribe