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By Kevin Curry —

I'm The Vice President's Sperm Count Advisor And I'm Here To Explain Why His Fourth Baby Qualifies Him To Control Your Uterus

"Let the record show, you have a vice president who practices what he preaches." — JD Vance, announcing his fourth pregnancy while addressing the March for Life

As the Vice President's personal virility consultant and reproductive metrics coordinator, I'm thrilled to address the widespread confusion about why Mr. Vance's announcement of his fourth child this week makes him uniquely qualified to determine what happens inside your body.

Let me be crystal clear: the Vice President's ability to freely choose when, how, and how often to reproduce—in consultation with his wife, their doctors, and their personal circumstances—is precisely what gives him the moral authority to ensure you don't have those same choices.

You see, Mr. Vance and Mrs. Vance carefully planned their family according to their own values, financial situation, career trajectories, and personal desires. (They also had access to comprehensive healthcare, stable employment, and presumably whatever family planning resources they deemed appropriate for spacing their pregnancies, but let's not dwell on that.) This track record of exercising personal autonomy over their reproductive lives is exactly why they should control yours.

Some critics have suggested there's a contradiction here. They point out that the Vice President celebrates his own freedom to "practice what he preaches" about having more babies while simultaneously working to eliminate reproductive freedom for millions of Americans who might not share his circumstances, resources, or desires. These critics are missing the sophisticated nuance of our position.

The Vice President's fourth child—a son, due in late July, as he proudly announced—represents the beautiful outcome of choice. His choice. Which is completely different from your choice, because his choices align with our policy preferences, whereas your choices might not. See how that works?

At Friday's March for Life rally, Mr. Vance correctly noted that President Trump's judicial appointments "put a definitive end to the tyranny of judicial rule on the question of human life." (The "tyranny" in question being the period when women could make their own medical decisions, which we all agree was a dark time for freedom.) He celebrated the Dobbs decision as "the most important Supreme Court decision of my lifetime"—more important than, say, decisions about voting rights, campaign finance, or presidential immunity, because nothing matters more than ensuring the government, rather than individuals, makes reproductive choices.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "But doesn't the Vice President's own family planning success depend on the very autonomy he's working to deny others?" Let me address this with the same logical rigor Mr. Vance brings to policy.

First, the Vice President wants "more babies in the United States of America," as he stated at last year's March for Life. The fact that he's achieving this goal through voluntary reproduction within his own family while forcing it on others through policy is just efficient multitasking. Why should people have to tediously choose to have children when we could simply eliminate their ability to choose not to?

Second, this week's "historic expansion of the Mexico City policy"—which now denies U.S. foreign aid not only to organizations providing abortion services but also those promoting "gender ideology" and DEI programs—shows our commitment to "protecting life" globally. (It also ensures that impoverished women in developing countries have even fewer reproductive healthcare options than impoverished women here, which is the kind of consistency in cruelty that makes for good policy.)

As Mr. Vance eloquently stated, "We believe that every country in the world has the duty to protect life." By "protect life," we mean "control women's bodies," and by "every country," we mean "especially poor countries that depend on our aid," and by "duty," we mean "or else we'll let you starve." But that's the beauty of having principles.

The Vice President also noted that "it's not our job as the United States of America to promote radical gender ideology. It's our job to promote families and human flourishing." (The families and flourishing of people who already have the resources to make their own choices, like the Vances, are apparently more valid than the families and flourishing of people who need support, but again, let's not get bogged down in details.)

I should mention that Mr. Vance has spent years "passionately advocating for Americans to have more children," expressing "alarm about declining birth rates." Some have suggested that if he's truly concerned about birth rates, he might support policies that make it economically feasible for people to have children—like paid family leave, subsidized childcare, or healthcare that doesn't bankrupt families. But that would be socialism, whereas forcing people to give birth and then offering them no support is freedom.

In conclusion, the Vice President's fourth pregnancy is a testament to the power of choice—his choice to have four children, your choice to have however many children we decide you should have. It's a beautiful symmetry, really.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to prepare next month's motility report and review the Vice President's calendar to ensure his fifth child can be optimally timed for the 2028 campaign cycle. (We're aiming for a late October delivery for maximum "family values" photo opportunities, assuming Erika Kirk Mrs. Vance agrees, which of course she will, because the Vances believe in spousal autonomy—for themselves.)

This Week's Inspiration

The stories that made this satire possible:

Week of January 16 - January 23, 2026

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