My Mail-In Ballot Is Patriotic and Secure, But Yours Is Corrupt As Hell: A Voter Fraud Explainer
"We're the only country in the world that does it that way. Corrupt as hell." — President Donald Trump on mail-in voting, March 17, 2025, while hosting Irish Prime Minister Micheál Martin
As your president, I feel it's important to address the confusion some people—very dishonest people, frankly—are spreading about my use of mail-in voting in Tuesday's Florida special election. Yes, Palm Beach County records show I voted by mail. Yes, my ballot has been counted. And yes, I am simultaneously urging Congress to pass the SAVE Act, which would ban the exact voting method I just used for everyone except a select few Americans. I can see how this might look hypocritical to someone with a very small brain.
Let me be clear: when I mail in my ballot from Mar-a-Lago, it is a secure, patriotic exercise in democracy. When you mail in your ballot, it is "cheating" and part of a corrupt system that only exists so Democrats can steal elections. The difference should be obvious to anyone operating in good faith (which excludes all journalists, most judges, and my former Attorney General who found no evidence of fraud in 2020, the traitor).
You see, my mail-in ballot travels through completely different postal infrastructure than yours. Mine goes through special presidential mail routes that are monitored by eagles—actual bald eagles that I personally trained to detect fraud. Your ballot, meanwhile, gets handled by postal workers who are probably Democrats, or worse, independents who "just want to do their job" without pledging loyalty to me specifically. Totally different situations.
Some have pointed out that I don't have a standing vote-by-mail request for all elections, meaning I specifically had to request a mail ballot for this particular election, which suggests I find the method convenient and trustworthy. Wrong! I requested that ballot as a sting operation. I'm testing the system from the inside, like Serpico, if Serpico had bone spurs and owned several golf courses. How can I dismantle a corrupt institution if I don't personally participate in its corruption? It's called strategy, people.
Now, I've been very consistent in my position on mail-in voting. Last August, I used a White House meeting with Ukrainian President Zelenskyy to announce an executive order ending mail-in ballots because "they're corrupt" and "the only way [Democrats] can get elected." Some might say that using a meeting about Ukraine's war effort to rant about American voting methods is inappropriate, or that claiming mail ballots are the "only way" Democrats can win is odd coming from someone who lost the popular vote twice. But those people are missing the bigger picture, which is that I'm right about everything.
The media keeps bringing up the fact that dozens of countries use mail-in voting, including basically all of our European allies. But that's exactly my point! Just last week, I said we're "the only country in the world" that does mail-in voting. Do you see the problem? We're simultaneously the only country doing it AND dozens of countries are doing it. That's how corrupt the whole system is—it's corrupting reality itself. (Also, I was talking to the Prime Minister of Ireland at the time, a country that has used postal voting since 1993, but I'm sure he appreciated me explaining how voting works.)
Let me address the Supreme Court case about Mississippi's policy of counting mail ballots postmarked by Election Day but received after. I am firmly against this practice, which is why I made sure my ballot was both mailed AND received before Election Day, because I'm not some kind of monster trying to have my vote counted. My ballot arrived on time because I'm competent and organized (please don't check my presidential records retention history). Your ballot probably got lost because you're lazy and possibly engaged in voter fraud.
The SAVE Act is the "biggest thing" pending in Washington right now, even bigger than the Iran war or the partial shutdown of the Department of Homeland Security. Yes, I said that. Because what good is national security if Democrats can vote? Think about it. (Please don't think about it too hard.)
When I endorsed Jon Maples on Truth Social Monday night, urging patriots in Florida State House District 87 to "GET OUT AND VOTE," I specifically did not mention that I had already voted by mail, because that would have confused people. The important thing is that I voted (by mail, the corrupt method) and you should vote (in person, like a real American, unless you're elderly or disabled or traveling, in which case you can also vote by mail, but suspiciously).
In conclusion, my mail-in ballot represents everything great about American democracy: convenience, accessibility, and the fundamental right to vote from my luxury resort while eating a well-done steak. Your mail-in ballot represents the downfall of Western civilization. I trust this clears everything up, and I look forward to voting by mail again in the next election while working tirelessly to ensure you cannot do the same.
This Week's Inspiration
The stories that made this satire possible:
- Trump casts Florida mail ballot as he pushes Congress to severely limit that voting option — Apnews
- Congress will get its vote on the war with Iran — Thehill
- The SAVE America Act is Jim Crow’s comeback — Thehill
- 34 Former Military Members Were Put on Deportation Track in the Past Year — Nytimes
- Watch live: Fired FBI agents testify before Senate Judiciary panel on 2020 election case — Thehill
- Trump administration launches two more Harvard probes — Thehill
- Senate confirms Markwayne Mullin as next DHS secretary — Cnbc
- The Movement: Kent, Carlson, Greene create Shadow MAGA faction defying Trump — Thehill
- Should You Need to Prove Citizenship to Vote? Ask Kansas. — Nytimes
- Saudi Prince Is Said to Push Trump to Continue Iran War in Recent Calls — Nytimes
Week of March 17 - March 24, 2026